Taking Sides & Making Judgments

How is that divorce cases always become about sides? Have we learned nothing from our own lives -- that is: most things are not black and white and are often very gray? Let's take a peek at the divorce cases making headlines in the last two weeks: Elin Nordegren vs. Tiger Woods - and - Jamie McCourt vs. Frank McCourt. From the Blogsphere this week on Wood's divorce: "Her divorce all but a formality, Elin Nordegren Woods will very soon walk away from her six-year marriage with Tiger Woods with approximately $100 million ... I say, Kick ass Tiger. It'll only be a matter of time before the capricious media is on your side again."

There was a lot of banter on whether or not Elin "deserved" the money. I think this is ridiculous - how can we as a society decide the value of their marriage (let alone their divorce)?  Even courts don't try to decide that -- instead looking to a dissomaster to spit out the correct answer.  Most importantly, how can we criticize ELIN when it was Woods' zillions of affairs that brought their marriage to a tumbling crash? I usually don't like to comment on people's marital affairs as there is soooo much behind the scenes; however, in this case I really must say that Elin has been nothing but a class act.  She handled the infidelity news with grace and dignity. 

I was particularly impressed with Elin's interview in People Magazine. In her own words: "My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal." It was refreshing to hear from her directly to put some closure on the whole mess.  I can only imagine how hard it must have been for Elin to do that interview and I give kudos to her for being brave and forthright.


And from the Blogsphere on the McCourts: "The McCourt case may end up being the most-discussed case of all recent divorce cases. It is the ultimate Hollywood he said-she said, a saga that includes Malibu mansions, millionaire ballplayers, conflicting legal documents and some of the country's most accomplished -- and most expensive -- attorneys."


Like the Woods' case, the McCourts are dealing in a dispute in the hundreds of millions. Unlike the Woods' case though, allegations of Jamie cheating on Frank have not been confirmed (although I'm not surprised there is infidelity underlying both cases). The McCourt trial started this past week and we are definitely in for a bumpy ride.


Obviously in the law there are always at least two sides (A "versus" B). And the news media, while trying to remain fair and balanced in their reporting of the stories, inadvertently (sometimes) leads us to one side or the other. Whether or not you think Elin deserves her 100 million dollar settlement from Woods or whether Jamie should share in the Dodger empire with Frank, I'm sure we can all agree that public divorces are a source of some fascination (especially when the divorce involves a large amount of money) but really is a private matter where our big mouths and noses should not be.

We all know there is always much more to the story then what we hear. Even between non-divorcing spouses, people often cannot get the facts straight.  (Just ask Andy, we fight about the "facts" everyday -- he still is insisting that Hannah got up in the middle of the night Saturday when both she and I say KNOW she did not).  Divorces often begin with different views of the "facts" that gets rolled into other issues: childhood problems, our psyche, etc. 

Isn't the real issue that we all have flaws and its much easier to point the finger at others than look at ourselves? Well, I'm going to start (I hope a new trend) in that I'm going to admit that marriage is hard, that I'm a handful and I have a ton of flaws.  (Thankfully, Yom Kippur is not till next week so I don't have to start admitting and apologizing about them till next week.)

As we sit in here in judgment of others perhaps we should spend a few moments judging ourselves, looking at our own story, and deciding for ourselves whose side would you be on if you were being told your life/marital story. In the spirit of Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year) we should take this time to reflect on our own relationships and see where at and how we could be better.

Whereas the Woods' case has wound down for now, the McCourt case is gearing up, and all of our own lives continue on each and every day.  How about using today to decide what side you are on in your own marriage, relationship, or in life? Are you happy?  What would you say about yourself on a gossip rag?  Don't worry you don't need to share, you don't need to write it down, just think about it... especially when you start talking about others.

Have a Happy 5771 and Jewish New Year to those who are celebrating!

A Buffet of Ideas

We are nearing that time of year when people seem to be winding down a little bit at work and focusing on holiday fun and family madness. Some of us (the lucky ones) get days off during this period to celebrate and rest up for the New Year. But there is no rest for those of us in the world of advocacy-- there are always cases or issues that need a big mouth to call them out.   But in an effort to spend little more time at home I am taking a very brief hiatus from Sax Facts (two weeks off). I will return with guns-blazing the first week of January!

I thought I would do a short round-up of a few news pieces from this week for you… a sample buffet of ideas, if you will (to match our upcoming holiday feasts), so sit back, take a sip of egg nog and let's review the week:

Little Girl Whose Braid Was Cut Off By Teacher: at first I was blown away when I saw the image of the little girl whose braid was cut off – but that was mostly because I couldn’t figure out what I was looking at on the screen. The teacher was clearly at fault for assaulting and humiliating the child with a scissors in front of her classmates. However, I couldn’t get my head around the outrage coming in during the coverage. Parents were expressing their absolute disgust over the act and calling for the resignation of the teacher. I can’t help but wonder why parents jump to protect the child in this case, but in cases of sexual assault by teachers on students the parents in some schools go right for protecting the teacher. For more of my thoughts on this, read my Huffington Post article this week (link).

Tiger’s Incessant Coverage: there really isn’t too much more to say about this (I mean ‘common, hasn’t it all been said already!). But I will add my two cents to the pile. I was driving along the other day and I saw a sign that read “Jet Blue has more coverage then TMZ.” That is how I know TMZ has made it big – they are being satirized in a major airline’s ad campaign. I think that is why this Tiger scandal is reigning in the media… we are in the age of TMZ domination. That’s what the people want, so that’s what the media provides. And unfortunately Tiger is TMZ gold.

Antidotes for Good Holiday Cheer: I heard a great interview on HLN this week with a young clergyman who said we should “Spend Less and Give More.” He went on to share a great example of a son who gave his father a bag of coffee beans as a holiday gift with a note that said ‘You can only drink this coffee with me while we reminisce on the past, catch-up on the present, and dream about the future’… Sweet! The example seeks to draw our attention to the blind and meaningless consumerism going on today in America and how Christmas and Hanukkah, etc. should be about celebrating with family and appreciating each other. I completely agree! Unfortunately, in order for our economy to continue to rebound (and to validate Bernanake’s status as Time’s Person of the Year) we do have to spend money on stuff!!

The Impact of Tiger on Our Kids

Are you secretly (or overtly) obsessed with the Tiger Woods scandal? Or are you sick of it? Do you think it’s ridiculous or relevant? Whatever you may feel personally about the coverage, it is an issue worth examining from a cultural perspective as well as from that of a parent.   I really wonder about the state of our country (and media culture) when we are in a historic health care debate in Congress, conducting two wars, and all you see on TV commentary shows for the last few days is discussions about Tiger’s “transgressions”  (I guess that what can call affairs nowadays).  

We have all seen a lot of commentary about the impact this will have on the game of golf, and on his endorsements. We have also seen quite a bit about the events of that fateful evening-- the police report, the many mistresses, the voice messages, text messages, and the speculations of why he is not admitting anything in public, etc., etc.   None of this really matters, does it?  But the one thing I have NOT heard about is  the impact of this scandal on children—his, mine, yours, and everyone else’s.  

How many young kids (of all colors and creeds) looked up to Tiger as a hero? Hundreds? Thousands? And it was not because he had a beautiful wife, and not even really because he had a lot of money. The kids looked up to Tiger because he is one of the BEST athletes in the world in his specialty—golf. He was the definition of a “hero.” Once you reach the top echelons of any sport worldwide, you inevitably have a following of young people who admire you for your status as an archetypal great.   So when great men fall as hard as Tiger did (in the adult world), it also shatters a small part of the innocent admiration our children feel towards these human heroes.

Coincidentally, it was my daughter’s current event date on November 30 and she wanted to share the news of his accident.  And even at the young age of seven, her first question was, “Mommy, why was he driving at 2:25 AM?”  I chose to emphasize that people can drive at all hours of the night--which would have worked if Tiger’s story wasn’t on the news nonstop.   Joy Behar said last night on her show that “Tiger is not out of the woods yet” … Well neither are WE. While the media continues to obsess about Tiger’s many sexual exploits, we have to address the aspect of the fallen hero to our kids. When great men fall, we all feel the earth shake a little. If your kids are old enough to have found a hero in Tiger, they are old enough to hear from you why it will all be OK.   

Hopefully the coverage will end soon!